Gay at BYU

Interview with Adam White

I first meet up with Adam just by chance one day in the Harold B. Lee Library. Later on he ended up inviting me to USGA for a presentation he did there. USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) was the means of me meeting all sorts of new friends. I am really grateful for Adams acquaintanceship and all the things that he does. Adam is the current president of USGA and recently was honored by the Trevor Project for his work in the Mormon LGBT community. This interview was done back in fall 2012.

Q:So tell a little bit about yourself.

A: I am Adam 21 I am a gay Mormon. I am from Washington DC, grew up in as a kid in California moving to the east coast California high school. Came out to BYU to study film, ended up in Acting.

Q: When do you first realize you were gay?

A: Looking back on my life now it was very apparent that I was always gay; but it was not something that I came to terms with or acknowledged myself until the end of my senior year of high school.  It was actually an interesting conversation with a group of friends. I said something that triggered my friends, who said “That is a really a gay thing to say, Adam”. And it was a revelatory moment, that was like"" wait, your right." it got me to think about it and the more I thought about it I started branching out and started researching what it was to be gay and what homosexuality was. Being a Mormon boy this is not a topic we talk about at church or in families in the church especially there is no one close to you or gay friends around it is just a subject people didn't touch. So once I figured it out it took about a year or so to really realize I was gay and admit to myself that I was gay.

So in your lecture on faith you talked about the low point what was your low point how did that make you see things differently

My low point was fall semester 2009 I was here living Heleman Halls. What my lowest point  looked like was I felt alone.

 In high school I had severe sleeping problems, debilitating problems, that I thought would go away when I got to college but they didn't. It was something I was struggling with. Also because I was questioning my sexuality and everything. However because of the way I ended expressing it to my bishop, he ended up sending me to a group on campus that was for pornography. The way they were handling it was interesting however I really wasn't addicted to porn. But being there in that place just lead me to feel very isolated made me feel that I was dealing problems that no one else was dealing with. I couldn't really tell my friends about them my only support was the girl I was dating at that time and she lived far away in Virginia. All these things just culminated, I wouldn't say that I was depressed but rather confused. I took it out on myself in the form of-- I had problems with disordered eating in high school-- and that was something that definitely flared up at that point. So I decided it would be better to go home to deal with the sleep problem and take a breather. Things went up from there but that was definitely my lowest point. 

Q: What was the thing that made you decide to come out?

A: When I finally accepted I was gay it was a reliving moment for me. It was something that made me feel I was not broken in some way, the pieces that never really fit in my life were coming together under this one realization.  Everything just made sense, even my sleeping problems went away.  I had always felt bad about the relationship with my girlfriend because I felt like I wasn't giving it my all and lying at the same time. I really wanted it to work because it was a relationship, and that is what you are supposed to do. These things making me feel guilty stressed and alone suddenly made sense when I admitted to myself that I was gay. So it was something I wanted to share with the people closest to me. 

I also started writing a blog. When first coming out my natural inclination was to go to the internet and find other people like me. The first thing when searching gay Mormons was a gay Mormon blog. It introduced me to a community of gay Mormon bloggers who blogged from a gay Mormon perspective. I ate that stuff up. That also made me want to come out, but I didn't feel ready to come out to my family. I could come out to the world at large but, because that world at large doesn't have a face. So I kind of came out to these people these aliases that I didn't know who there were. But I know them now in fact the first 2 people that I knew on campus who are gay found me through the blog and wanted to meet me and so when I came back 2011 I met these people who were blogging like I did. They introduced me to USGA. By then I was very comfortable in my own gay skin. Maybe partly because we didn't have a relationship before I was out to myself so I felt very comfortable accepting that part of me around them

From there I gained confidence to come out to my ecclesiastical leaders. Sense then my attitude has been very honest. I don’t introduce myself as “Hi I am Adam and I am a gay Mormon” but I do leave it open if someone is willing to approach me with the question hey are you gay or what is your sexual orientation I will freely tell them I ad gay, that is my policy with professors and people that I encounter on a daily basis.

Q: Do people ask this often?

A: Umm. No, not necessarily. It is kind of found out or known with out people really saying anything, especially in the theater department were we do gender studies and things from a performance aspect. Sometimes professors will say ignorant things about homosexuality, so I will email the professor and say I’m gay and it is like this. So when this topic is approached I am out enough to raise my hand and say something. For the most part I haven’t had a negative experience here at BYU.

Q: So you haven’t had negative experiences but has it changed your BYU experience?

A: O yes. Actually in my theater class on Monday we spent the day talking about the David Acermany who did the black face video. There is several African Americans in the class so we talked about being a minority. They talked about standing up for racism. And it is something that I can relate to. It wasn't until I started coming out to people did I realize what it is to be in a minority group, it took being in that situation. It has definitely changed my experience, not in a way of being more exclusive and defensive about being gay, but more an open inviting invitation to know more. A lot of people feel this way at USGA it is kind of a missionary experience being able to be gay on BYU campus. Being open about spirituality as well as being gay, those are two categories that haven’t meshed well in the past. But to be able to show people hey were are Mormon gay and we are happy this way and it is not a conflict, it is not a problem, we don’t want to be cured were and we are happy about it . It is a real refreshing idea for most people, if it is not, it is something to think about. I value this experience. 

Q:How did your family react, have you had problems maybe with roommates?

No problems with roommates, actually my first roommate when I came back, was gay, and would go to USGA; but he has sense left and is now studying at UVU. I haven’t had problems with roommates, we haven’t really talked about it, but I assume they know. I mean I am out on facebook. And for any gay person it is the last final period on the coming out sentence. Social media here I am and I am gay. If they glace at my facebook, if they see what I write, if they see the people I bring over, the way I interact with girls is different then they do, and I don’t have interest in girls. It is fairly obvious and no one has ever had problems with it. They just assume it is my life and my problem.

I came out to my brother last year he was cool with it and he was accepting. To him it made sense. He had a friend come out to him and he had a lot of questions about it. I think having that period to think about It definitely helped.

I came out to my mom last summer and you know and she is trying to be ok with it. She had gay friends in high school, so she knows that it isn't some weird terrifying thing, and that gay people are nice good people. She has a really positive picture of what being gay is. Something that has helped has been to lay out to her some of the theological conundrums that come up as being Mormon and being gay and being like umm well as this plan is being laid out there isn't really a place necessarily delineated explicitly for gay people. It is a topic not really mentioned in our most recently reveled scripture, the book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants. Being able to talk about those things with her made her realize, "yeah your right this is a really big and complicated deal". Her reaction is to not really pass judgment on it. She also realizes that it is a lonely life to live outside of a relationship. To her it makes sense to be gay and embrace that part of me and seek a relationship with another man. For my dad it is different story it was good to come out to him because it was what I expected. It definitely isn't the response I would want from him but wasn't out of character for him. He is very concerned that I won’t be with him in the world to come.

And that to him is very heart breaking thought. And it would be for any parent to not to have ones loved ones with them after they die. So he believes that is the case and drawing parallels to civil rights and gay rights does not compute with him. There just several  issues that I can not get through to him. Probably the most frustrating is the idea I feel I have had spiritual experiences that I feel have confirmed to me that I am gay and God loves me this way and He is okay with me seeking out my own life and me seeking out my relationships that I want in my life. It is frustrating because he says he has received revelation that it is not ok and that therefor my revelation must be coming from a different source. And that is frustrating because I have shared other experiences that are ok because they are in line with what the church teaches. He holds to the church policies and doctrines very closely and it very stern but loving response in that way. He also believes that I am apostatizing by believing they way I do. It is a difficult situation but not a unworkable one. Which I am grateful fore. In also dealing with this I guess he needed to talk to someone about it; but he ended up outing me to the rest of the extended family as well talking with his brother and sister and grandma about it.

Q: How did that make you feel?

It was frustrating. Every gay, they share coming out, is a very controlled process, it is not a reflection. It is not a thing like I am compelled by society to come out. How I see it is something like as I grow I will tell the people that need to be told, so it took the control of coming out away from me.  It also presented situations that I wasn't ready for. Positives that have come out of it are several of my cousins have said: "We love you and support you in what ever you do". My grandparents and my uncle and aunts haven't said anything so that is interesting.

Q: What is USGA and why do you think BYU needs it?

A: I think BYU needs USGA because it educates the students about LGBT issues, and it provides a haven for those who are LGBT. There are many students on campus who are ignorant, and that's only because they haven't been educated about LGBT issues and/or haven't met someone who is LGBT. USGA offers students a chance to put a human face on an issue that is demonized by Christian conservatives, and it gives BYU students a refreshing perspective shift. There are also many lonely LGBT students at BYU who feel lonely or excluded because their sexual orientation is different from other people. USGA is designed as a non-judgmental, all-inclusive group; no matter where in their personal journey they are, a person can come to USGA and feel welcome and loved. A lot of people meet new, powerful friends at USGA because of this.

Q: So the LDS stance on homosexuality.. Do you feel gay members are welcome?

A: I feel like the rhetoric has changed enough to where people feel more welcome. I know of instances of gay couples that come to church that are appropriately affectionate like any other couple. So I know there are people who do feel welcome. But the way the policy is structured makes gay people feel like they are second class citizens. In the same way that people that single adults feel like they are  second class citizens, well more of being left out of the loop because we are n’t married.  The way LDS society makes me feel like I am being put in a lesser position, I know a lot of people who feel that way. And in another way how gay people are treated in interviews or for transgressions, or sins is a lot more severe then it is for heterosexuals. For example I was planning on going on a mission but I had done somethings in the past that I felt that would be appropriate to discuss with my bishop. If it was a straight couple everything would have been fine smoothed and everything would go on. Mine it was an awkward experience, I had to go to the stake president and asked if I viewed child porn. Then told if I didn't get my same sex attraction under control, what ever that means, that I would pose a threat to my companions. Any time were you have to go to the stake president and talk about any sexual encounter you had is always somewhat awkward. But it is more emotionally disturbing just because it was two men and not a man and a woman that it was treated in such a fashion. Another element is kind of just the echos of things that have happened in the past. Is the idea that because I am gay or someone is gay that this is a trial or struggle for them so we should treat them with abundance of love and abundance of love and consideration and it sort of makes it heroic this is an epic trial you are dealing with and we respect you and you are so brave for doing this. And that is another way it kind of does the opposite it singles people out and say you can’t have what we do. And that to me disturbs me and my response to that is that It is not a struggle being gay the trail and the challenge from being gay in the church is always education and people that I am completely fine.

Q: How can you be gay with out compromising faith?

A: It is a difficult thing being gay in the church. Feelings and thoughts that are healthy and encouraged in straight couples have been demonized in gay couples. So my natural inclination, to have a romantic relationship and to be married and have my own family these are values that have been taught to me and that I believe in with all my heart. Because I know the principles behind them and those are things that have been tough in the church but because those feelings are directed toward a man suddenly I am on the path to hell. That raises questions what is it that I actually believe and what is this institution that I am believing and am investing so much in. And also what is my heritage as a Mormon what does it look like outside the correlated story that has been presented in our Sunday school classes. There are bits and pieces of church history and culture that we smooth over, that we just don’t talk about. They don’t shake my faith but make me wonder why do we need to hide this. What being gay essentially did made me open to ask the questions and healthily engaging with them instead of shying away from such issues as polygamy or is gay marriage.  Mormonism is the way I engage with god, I believe that it works. I am willing go take essential things like core doctrines like articles of faith and not worry about policy. As hard it is for some people to believe a lot f the things we hold to are cultural things. There technically are not church doctrine they have not been sworn in as scripture. It isn't like the book of Mormon or Doctrine and covenants, which interestingly enough do not talk about homosexuality. So being able to honestly  say to myself I don’t believe that or I disagree with the authority of the church on certain points has allowed me to grow in my faith perhaps in way to other people may seem like I am back sliding or apostatizing. But for me it is more fully engaging to what god has granted me.

Q: What do say that homosexuality is the unnatural sin and that it destroys the family?

A:To that I say what do you mean by the traditional family. One of the irony of the Mormon church saying things like:  "We have always believed that marriage is between a man and a woman." I say really the church used to believe that marriage was between and man and a woman and a woman and another woman. So things like that we look at the world at large. There are plenty of cultures were the traditional man wife children. Look at other cultures it is more a group setting we all raise  the children together. Other countries that have 5 genders that all have specific assignments. You begin to ask who is this tradition too. And to the unnatural part ---to be honest a lot of people think, it is just about the sex, that it is the sex part that makes it ungodly, sinful that these people can’t be together because that is just nasty. My issue is that there are plenty of straight people that engage in the same thing that gay people do. The two big ones that my dad likes to bring up because they don’t have to do with procreation is the anal sex and the mutual masturbation. Which is a lot of peoples issues with it. I have heard so many silly things about Mormons. Like you shouldn't have sex unless you have your garments on or these different weird quirks that no one came up with, but for some reason Mormons are sexually frustrated people. The church never really has said that sex is just for procreation.
 If we were to talk about unnatural? What does that even mean? Because if you point to nature for these kind of things homosexuality exist in nature in several species. To those arguments those are not really good enough usually they don’t want to engage in these types of things.

Q: There are many gays in the church who end up marring women. Why is or why isn't that a valid option for you? 

To answer your second question, the Church, at least in policy, does not recommend its gay members to marry into mixed-orientation marriages. There is the misconception still floating around our congregations, however, that orientation can be changed, so unfortunately too many gay men and women will enter marriage with someone who is straight in hope that God will work it out for them. I know of a family who is happily maintaining and thriving in a mixed-orientation marriage, but they are an exception. I have heard of far more people whose families are torn apart by this issue, and that risk is enough for me to avoid actively seeking to marry a woman. I also feel it goes against the values the Mormon Church teaches. We should marry for love, to be bound for eternity to the one that we romantically cherish. I could never love a woman in that way, so it would be against my values to try to marry a woman.

Q: Would you change?

A: Some days it would be easier. What would it be like if I felt this way about woman my life would be simpler it would make my family more at ease. But my bottom line and my gut answer is that I would never take the straight pill.

I am really grateful for Adam for doing the interview and it took me forever to write up. But often during the interview and in the write up I felt a little bit like the guy in this interview because Adam has such an amazing vocabulary and speaks sometimes in a way that I feel is intellectually out of my league. Thanks again Adam I think you are an amazing person. I hope someday I can be able to be as gifted as you in public speaking.